I’ve mentioned before that I’m new to blogs. That being the case, I might not be within the limits of orthodoxy. I am not trying to correspond with an “audience”. I am writing to you —- perhaps better expressed, sharing my pain with you and hoping you will do likewise with me. How else can we understand each other?
Though I ‘am alone now, for three and a half years. I know acknowledge that every day my life is changing. Even if I were to sleep all day— I’d be closing the gap between my life and my death. In this case, I am referring to a noticeable change in the last week or so.
Years ago, I would hear my religious neighbor , on occasion say, “Joy unspeakable, and full of glory.” All these years, I’ve remember that saying, wondering ‘what the hell’ is that supposed to mean? Now, I’m beginning to ‘get it’.
Awaiting sleep, is no longer a detour from boredom and loneliness — in my mind I’m hearing myself giving thanks for my day of work and for just being — then again, waking — giving thanks for the restful sleep, and for things to do today. Less whining and more thanks for fifty seventy years of love that are beyond language. May I say; “God, what’s happening”? Where is my emotionally intense suffering going and is it at the price for it, a reduction of the relationship with my wife’s spiritual being? I have no answers. (Joseph Campbell replying to a question — “Do you have faith?” answered –“no — I have experience.”) I’m a sucker when it comes to “A good question is better than a bad answer.” But damn, I am ‘experiencing’ something — something a whole lot better than what I was week or two past.
I’m working (carpentry) again. See, my hammer smashed my thumb — my table saw took a part of my small finger — lord, how I’ve missed wood working. One of our friends, along with our kids finally got me to try (and enjoy) making bread. Did I mention that for more than forty years ‘the Misses’ baked all our bread. I can prove that I’m learning with a burned thumb from removing the baking pot from the oven. Pain, perhaps, but nothing compared to emotional stuff that is beginning to be released. Pain? No — “Joy unspeakable and full of glory”!
And look Friend, —- this writing is much longer than my previous whimpering. Even so, I’m not going away. I’m just now beginning to get the meaning of “Celebration of Life” — and I’m beginning to ‘experience’ the possibility of life overcoming death. That there are no limits to Love — here or there.
More in the next —- is it a post, or a letter? Either way, I’ll try to tone it down so as not loose you.
Peter